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Exclusives: Tooke's
Take April
4, 2001: President Shapiro Dear Mr. Crowe, It has come to my attention
that during your recent visit to our tranquil campus that you chose
to extend a certain impolitic finger in the general direction of
one of our sophomorepersons. I have been told that the young woman
in question was taking a photograph from the window of her room
at the time, and while we are willing to concede that such an act
might be cause for a vigorous lawsuit in the State of California,
our lawyers inform me that photography is not a crime here in New
Jersey. While our attitude toward
personal expression here at Princeton is very liberal, we also like
to ensure that the only people making obscene gestures in the direction
of our innocent sophomorepersons are drunken fraternity brothers
returning from a night of legally protected revelry on Prospect
Avenue. Or members of Penn’s basketball team. Since I have
also been informed that your movie studio has made a very generous
donation to our endowment fund, this letter represents the only
form of censure that I am allowed to send in your direction. Otherwise, I will be
forced to form a committee. With warmest regards
(and please thank the studio for the money), Hal Shapiro
Russell Crowe Dear Hal, Piss off. I’ve got
a brand new statue you can sit on that’s tall and shiny and
lets me do pretty much anything I want. Aren’t you glad that
we live in a world where I make 50 times what you make in a year-and
I don’t have to deal with 4,500 whiny undergraduates? And you
can tell the 14 young ladies from the Ivy Club that 1) no, they
are not beautiful enough to make it in Hollywood, and 2) I am not
really going to dedicate my life to the glories of independent cinema. Cheers, mate. Russell President Shapiro
Dear Mr. Crowe, Listen, you bad-hair-having,
Meg-Ryan-upsetting, case-of-VB-drinking, lame-Oscar-speech-giving,
wanker. Let me tell you the way it is. You are what we refer to
in America as the flavor of the moment. I remember about 15 years
ago that we had another Australian guy who thought he was going
to run this country — Crocodile-something. Do you know what
he’s doing now? Selling Suburus. And in case you think you’re immune to that sort of career implosion, I would suggest that you remember Marlon Brando’s words to Val Kilmer (who, I am told, is also a bit of an ass): “Don’t confuse the size of your paycheck with the size of your talent.” You weren’t that
wonderful in L. A. Confidential, and you will be the least remembered
Best Actor/Actress since that annoying chick won for My Cousin Vinny. I remain respectfully
yours, Hal Shapiro p.s. I am told that Fosters is Australian for crap. [Editor’s note: Decorum requires that the remaining letters in this series not be printed herein. Suffice it to say that the two men will meet on the field of battle before the Princeton-Brown men’s lacrosse game. Mr. Crowe shall come dressed in his full regalia from Gladiator; President Shapiro will be wearing cap and gown. The Vegas odds opened at 2-1 in favor of Shapiro-check your local times and listings for coverage of what promises to be a seminal event in American education.
You can reach Wes Tooke at cwtooke@princeton.edu
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