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By Chris Hand '95 Enough already. Enough with snide remarks about Florida as a banana republic. Enough with sarcastic punch card ballot ditties written to the tune of "Hokey Pokey." Enough with comparisons of Secretary of State Katherine Harris to Tammy Faye Bakker. Enough with elitist jibes about Tallahassee's lack of four-star hotel rooms. Enough with Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Craig Kilborn, and Jon Stewart. As a proud Florida native, I know that no state more enthusiastically greeted the dawn of a new year. 2000 started with Americans transfixed on a young Cuban boy whose plight spawned protests and an early morning INS raid. It ended with a disputed election that generated statewide protests and a ballot caravan that made O.J. Simpson's flight from justice seem like a trip to the market. No, Virginia, it was not Florida's finest hour. And in the two months since Election Day, the Sunshine State has taken more punches than Muhammad Ali, Joe Frazier, and George Foreman combined. But enough is enough. For one reason, we're bigger than you. The new census figures released in late December rank Florida as the nation's fourth largest state. Since 1990, our state's population has grown by more than 3 million - an average of 822 a day, many of them transplants from the Northeast. Not since Kurt Russell donned an eye-patch has there been such a devoted attempt to escape from New York. But more important, if Florida's detractors would stop pointing fingers and making jokes, they might see that the state's role in helping the nation choose a president has shined the light on several important truths and life lessons. For example: 1) Hypocrisy lives From his perch on ABC's This Week news program, columnist George Will *68 puffed that "Florida is a geographical afterthought. It's the last part of the continental United States to emerge from the ocean, and I rather wish that it hadn't." Will, of course, is from Illinois, which could teach graduate-level courses on election malfeasance. He also prides himself on his love of baseball. Let's talk about that. No Chicago team has won a World Series since 1917, when American soldiers were fighting Kaiser Bill. The Florida Marlins won one in 1997, less than five years after the franchise was born. In fact, Illinois's main 20th-century contribution to baseball was the infamous Black Sox scandal, where a few Chicago players purposely botched the major league equivalent of a presidential election - the 1919 World Series - and were banned from baseball for life. 2) Self-image can improve My aunt and uncle, who hail from the Bayou State, say with some chagrin that people in Louisiana don't elect their politicians to govern; they elect them to entertain. One of those entertainers - the late Governor Earl Long - used to argue that nobody should be forced to give up the right to vote just because they have died. As a result, Louisiana has for years been singled out as a reason to curtail, even abolish, democracy. The 2000 election changed all that. Several years ago, one Florida county sold its old-fashioned but accurate voting machines to Louisiana and replaced them with punch cards. In November that same county's punch cards were joined with a ballot as lengthy as War and Peace and as clear as a New York City subway announcement. Not surprisingly, the county had to throw out thousands of incorrectly completed ballots. 3) Parents will now find it easier to name their male children. One of my best friends is named Chad. But I'm willing to bet that his son won't be a Junior. In the 1980s, the name evoked images of a North African nation torn by civil war, and even worse, once colonized by the French. In this decade, any person of that nomenclature who commits a crime, installs wallpaper or drywall, or turns his car sharply will inevitably be labeled "Hanging Chad." And were it not a biological impossibility - never mind that bad movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Devito, and Emma Thompson- you can bet that we would have a horde of "Pregnant Chads." So for all of those Americans consumed with jealousy over the Sunshine State's recent electoral preeminence, I offer this advice: Relax. You'll have your chance soon enough. After all, without Florida's influence on this election, they never would have designed my new favorite bumper sticker: Re-elect Gore in 2004. Chris Hand '95, who was previously press secretary and speech writer for Senator Bob Graham (D-Florida), was born and raised in Jacksonville and is currently a student at the University of Florida Law School. He can be reached at : cjhand@alumni.princeton.edu. |
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February
7, 2001: